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Posts Tagged ‘health’

I was once a little insane, but I’ve been over it for six months or so now. I thought it could be one of those things you put behind you, move on from, never tell anyone about till your unofficial biographer unearths it years later trying to write your life story and slaps it across the headlines of broadsheets and tabloids alike. I mean, it still could be; no one figured me out before until I went to the doctor out of my own fear, and it’s still just my parents know – but my current state of mind is one I seem to think I recognise. There’s not been any sign of psychosis so far as I can tell, but I recognise my thoughts – that’s not as in ‘I have thought this before!’ but as in ‘I have constructed the same pattern before!’. Like the other night: it was the first time in a long time I’ve caught myself lying awake composing a eulogistic speech for anyone. It’s not the best sign. Megan, I don’t show my appreciation for your kindness and beautiful nature enough; here, listen to me now and understand that I love you and you’re incredible and so talented and you’re not fat like you reckon you are, that’s ridiculous, you’re stunning and so smart and my best friend ever in the world in the universe and oh diawl Natty you stupid girl what are you doing just shut it shut it shut it! It is a very bad sign when I am doing this. It is my mental health equivalent of looking up in the sky and seeing the pale horse of Death leading the other four riders to a glorious apocalypse. Yes. It is exactly the same. No difference whatsoever…

Anyway. So I can hear pedestals being erected inside my head, ready for Arian and her kin to climb up on and fall off of very soon (erm – that’s not a literal sound – the occasional bizarre turn of phrase has led to some confusing conversations with psychiatrists in the recent past so I’m sorry). My moods are swinging like a baboon through the trees, I have lost and made more friends in the past two weeks than I think I ever have in my life, the kids who have been new to my school this September for sixth form and have ended up in my social circle are treading very wary around Natty L, and I am feeling the old furious and all-enveloping anger like – well. It’s not exactly ‘like never before’, because the point is that it is like ever before. It just hasn’t been like that for a while.

I think, right, what I am trying to say is that I am going all unstable again. I show it when I’m stressed and even if I don’t think I’m stressed but I’m overworking myself, pushing myself too much, then it shows. Like a warning. Calm down or you’ll lose all your friends. Very considerate of my subconscious, when you think about it. And I am thinking about it, and I think I need to make a completely unrelated re-enactment (I’m a fan of re-enactments) or everything in my head will ferment and boil and burst. Everywhere. In an exceedingly messy and unattractive fashion. So there.

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It’s kind of my birthday today so the natural progression of thoughts brought me to start a radiantly  new and probably violently cruel blog. Hell yeah, baby. I’m Natty, I’m fifteen and a half, and the current consensus is that I shouldn’t be explained for risk of death by me; but if I must be explained it’s going to be in the crazy way.

I’m not the world’s greatest extant fan of introductions so maybe I’ll close this post now and leap into what I need to say today.

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